Music and Mental Illness

I panic at far more places than the Disco.

For the past few years, I've been living with mental illness and just trying my best to push it to one side. The one thing I learnt. That's not possible.

Finally, I surrendered, got help and started working toward managing my day to day life. I was scared at first. Lots of things had to change. I quit drinking and boy, did I drink a lot, I stopped going out as much and so lost friends but worst of all, I had to stop performing. 

I've been a drummer for the past 10 years and played in a handful of different bands. That rush before taking the stage, that relief at coming off at the end knowing you did a great job, they're feelings that just can't be recreated and it was all over. The cymbals had stopped shaking, the kit was in the van and I was all at sea.

At the same time, I realised that this was only for the best. The incredible feelings I got before playing were replaced with severe panic attacks and an overwhelming desire to just get it over with and when that happens, well, you're just not a musician anymore. I was just there to make up numbers. At least that is how I felt.

That's when Hepkatt was born. I stopped feeling sorry for myself and realised there is far more to music than just playing it. I started reading, excessively, about music theory and researching upcoming bands, venues, equipment, you name it I've been looking at it. Then I thought, why not write about this? This 'thing', this 'noise', that can bring us together and divide us all at the same time, make you feel lost and found in the same split second. 

Now.

I'm not going to go as far as to say music has saved me but it sure makes being here that so much easier. I'm excited to hear the next big thing and to find the dingiest venue that offers the best experience. It gives me desire and it gives me hope that even though I can't be doing it any more, others are and the industry is safe in the hands of every young kid who picks up an instrument. 

Music is free from all the things wrong with the world these days. We don't care about religion, politics and we're not about to go to war over who should be number 1. We're all here for the same reason. So from me to all musicians, all music lovers, writers, technicians, lighting engineers and so on and so forth, thank you. 

I'm a believer in music, fucking hallelujah.

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HepkattFM

Whiplash: In review

2015 has produced some exceptional films and Whiplash was one of my absolute favourites. I wrote the following review after experiencing the wild ride this jazz film offers up.

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One. Two. Three. Four. One. Two. Three. STOP. That's not my tempo. Relax. Im not going to throw a cymbal at you and you're probably not a jazz musician, but that doesn't matter. Whiplash is foot stomping, head rattling, breath stealing, beauty and tragedy all crammed into a jazz measure. Everybody on point? And...

The brass screams, the drums drop in and Whiplash is in full flow. As subtly as big band leader and music teacher Terence Fletcher (J K Simmons) lightly flicks his finger to strike the band, this film begins to play you. You follow 19 year old music student Andrew Neiman (Miles Teller) as he pushes his limits to be the next best Jazz drummer. You’re hanging on every beat, every fill, every crash of the cymbal, probably learning something as you desperately try to discover whether you're in time.

J K Simmons offers an intense, raucous, raging kind of performance. Beautiful yet tragic. Every bit the horrible teacher we all had but without the human nature to hold back mentally or physically, evidenced by launching a cymbal at Andrew after he drops out of time briefly a la Charlie Parker.  Fletcher has a reputation as the man who creates class from mediocrity and wins every competition he enters but you close those doors, confine him to a classroom, a stage, a rehearsal room with just a bunch of instruments and those things that work them and he will take whatever self confidence you have left and devour it. He sees nothing wrong in what he does, the fear, the intimidation, he knows what he is doing and believes that this is the only way to bring out the best in someone. He will break the spirit of everyone near him if it will find him the next Buddy Rich “I was there to push people beyond what's expected of them. I believe that's an absolute necessity”.

Young Andrew is transfixed by Fletcher and continually seeks his approval, climbing out of a car accident to ensure his position in the band, flesh wounds and all. Then again, after being forced to practise until his hands bleed this was probably just another day in the office for the aspiring jazz-oid. Miles Teller runs the rule over his character and you can see a true determination to succeed but what is his ultimate goal? Make a life and a career out of music? (If not, leaving his girlfriend wasn’t the smoothest of moves you’d expect from a Jazz Kat) Or simply to impress Fletcher. Whatever the answer, Fletcher inspires a new drive for Andrew and he doesn’t hold back from his family when it comes to his future “I'd rather die drunk, broke at 34 and have people at a dinner table talk about me than live to be rich and sober at 90 and nobody remembered who I was.”

This film is a symphony and whilst you’re watching you feel like the conductor. You stretch forward in anticipation as the film lifts and slump back as it softens, jump up in excitement and gasp at what you’ve created. Triumphant. But there’s more to it than just stellar acting performances, this is a throwback to a genre of music that the modern generation has long turned it’s back on, so maybe we deserve to have Jo Jackson throw a cymbal at us to kick us in to gear eh. Most of all remember the words of Fletcher, “There are no two words in the English language more harmful than ‘good job’”. Lights fade..applause...you’ve made it...now get off my stage.

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HepkattFM